THE TOP 20 K-POP SONGS OF 2017

The Dazed Top 20 K-pop list is really not winning me over this year. It is all subjective, of course, which is why I am offering my own. Cannot believe it has been a year since we last did this but when I say this is the Top 20 K-pop Songs of 2017 I obviously mean this is the Top 20 Songs of 2017. And so many more I could have added. I have limited myself to one song per band but there was a lot to enjoy this year: Suzy's solo bow for JYP (complete with the sumptuous Wong Kar Wai inspired video), the mind-melting hodgepodge of Weki Meki's brilliant I Don't Like Your Girlfriend, SNSD's Hyeyeon with the air-punching Wannabe, Hyuna's predictably provocative and amusingly self-aware Lip & Hip, NCT 127's snarling Cherry Bomb and their arguably even better Limitless, IU's effortless cover of Last Night Story, B1A4's understated Rollin, B.A.P's atypical Honeymoon and their first class rocker Wake Me Up, Dreamcatcher's Chase Me - which is what Babymetal might sound like if they were way more interesting - and T-ara's 'is this it?' possible (but not confirmed) final single of What's My Name?

It has been a tremendous year for K-pop buffs but what made the top 20? Without further delay, let us get started...


2NE1 - GOODBYE

The year began with this conclusive moment and even then it felt surreal. At the crux of 2014, YG's 2NE1 were, along with Girls' Generation, the top selling and most dominant girl band in Asia. Then it all went wrong. Bom got caught trying to smuggle speed into South Korea and aside from the briefest of reunions all the attention was put into CL and that, it seemed, was that. Minzy did not join the band for the final single but what we did get was a fitting farewell - an acoustic, heartfelt conclusion to an incredible career and a fitting successor (six whole years later) to their standout fan favourite classic single Lonely.

GIRLS' GENERATION - ALL NIGHT

Girls' Generation have ruled the K-pop scene for a decade and as members went on to achieve acting and solo accolades the end was undoubtedly coming. But, whooo boy, did things implode fast. Just three months after the release of their tenth anniversary album the legendary group were no more with Sooyoung, Seohyun and Tiffany calling time on their activities with SM. Some fans, expecting at least the customary Asian (re: Japan, Korea, Bangkok and Taipei) tour were outraged but they need not have been. At least we got a fabulous final album and whilst kiss-off single All Night probably will not be remembered as the eight-some's finest moment it still has enough of the group's genre-bending experimentalism to make your mind scramble and to demand further listens.

And isn't that why we all loved the greatest K-pop group in history in the first place?

MAMAMOO - YES I AM

Every year it happens. Every year when I do these lists I miss out on an absolute classic and last year it was undoubtedly the outstanding Decalcomanie (yes, quite a mouthful) by Mamamoo, merely one of the greatest K-pop 'belters' of all time. Really. Click and listen. It is stunning. The charismatic foursome's 2017 single Yes I Am is not nearly as strong, but it is still a super-fun example of Mamamoo's brilliant blend of camp, kookiness and high notes. They have reached some admirable heights already and I suspect their sometimes admirably ambitious pop-operas are only getting started.

SONAMOO - FRIDAY NIGHT

Pure party this one... get your coat off and get on the floor. Basically. It seemed to come from nowhere and it has just the right mix of retro and right now - which is a bit of a theme to the most DJ-friendly K-pop tunes of 2017. As you will see...


JIMIN - HALLELUJAH

From the opening Spanish guitar to the usual 'hey' (which typically signals the start of an AOA song), Jimin made a cracking start as an artist in her own right. The rapper of the can-you-push-this-any-further K-pop band AOA - who had their own share of controversy this year - this pounding anthem felt as if it had been stolen from the Madchester period and given a spit-shine with 2017 production values. Given the title, the Hacienda-groove is obviously on purpose and, to the surprise of many no doubt, Jimin sells this song far, far better than her sex-pixie reputation would have many AOA-critics believe. A strong round of applause.

MINZY - NINANO

Having left 2NE1 in apparently less than acrimonious circumstances - and indeed left CL to falter with her apparent mission to break America (clue: one single but otherwise still waiting) - Minzy made a very cool comeback with this mix of Bollywood, tough vocals, hip shaking, a bit of hip-hop and a dance groove that looks to the future whilst sounding like it has been brewed in the late nineties. This is a brilliant composition and even in a year filled with excellent solo comebacks positively stands tall with 'I am woman, hear me roar' confidence - more than echoed on the fuck-you-YG sound of flip-side Super Woman. As we eagerly await what YG has in store next for 2NE1 alumni Dara and CL, and hope for a Bom resurgence, it is certainly first blood to Minzy in the soap opera ashes of one of K-pop's defining collectives.

EXID - DDD

Exid had a phenomenal 2017 with their jazzy and whimsical Night Rather Than Day proving to be an appealing and successful diversion from their more identifiable retro-disco sound. DDD offers some fairly sexy and satirical lyrics (in keeping with the provocative video, also typical of the band - this is the same group who had a hit with a tune called Hot Pink, less we forget) and a chorus that feels beamed from the glory days of Studio 54. All sandwiched between an aggressive EDM beat. Will this band ever produce a disappointing shortplay?

BTS - DNA

So the big news is that BTS (as I predicted a year ago) broke America. Sort of. They played the AMAs and millions of people who had never discovered K-pop (or just thought of it as Gangham Style) seemed to have a collective orgasm. DNA is the strongest BTS single to date and its flawless marriage of indie guitar with the genre's token EDM chorus is undoubtedly brilliant. There is always the worry that your favourite thing becomes the mainstream and DNA might well be the song that pushes a K-pop band further into the mainstream and paves the way for more. With that said, given the likes of NME still have not caught on I am not too worried. Yet.

BOA - CAMO

Veteran K-pop icon Boa delivered her best shortplay to date with Camo. Sounding like pure seduction, it gives her token husky voice a chance to breathe, flirt and ooooooh its heart out - all to a pounding dance beat that should fill the floor at any self-respecting Korean nightclub. It is 'last drink' music - and for good reason. She knows how to get you home.

SUPER JUNIOR - ONE MORE CHANCE

Super Junior have never been a band that, I felt, released an entire album of classics but their tenth solo LP Play - two and a half years in the making - was tremendous with nary a dud moment. Whilst their 'big' comeback song was the excellent Black Suit, which returned the legendary SM band to their usual sound of suave-pop (it sounds like an aspiring Bond theme at some points), it was their against-type ballad One More Chance that impressed me the most. Featuring a returning Shindong (welcome back) this is a feel-bad weepie that gives the lads - now entering their thirties - a chance to go all bombastic about breakups and even (sssssh) suicide (yes, he really does sing 'I want to end it all'). Brave and bombastic (South Korea's enormous suicide rate is an open secret), it is a shame that the band got plunged into controversy just as they just embarked on their most ambitious comeback to date. I can personally bask in this ballad on repeat.

TWICE - LIKEY

JYP's biggest band had a few biggies this year as they continued their climb to being one of the hugest selling K-pop bands in history. I have not been big on talent show winners Twice - their bubblegum sound was, I generally felt, aimed at young teens but then mid-year single Signal won me over with its oddball glam-space sound (this is only going to make sense if you click on that link). Even better was Likey a homage to social media romance, with some admitedly dubious lyrics, that still managed to chuck together rap, repetition, synths and a squirrel-voiced chorus that is still lost in my brain and annoying my sleep.

Don't say you weren't warned, you click 'play' on this at your own peril...


SEVENTEEN - DON'T WANNA CRY

I was always bummed at Pledis for chucking away the oh-so-underrated After School in favour of Seventeen but this unexpectedly tough electro-pop gem finally won me over. From the melancholy opening to the build-up of voices and then the eventual back-and-forth chorus medley this is such a well crafted depiction of uncertainty (the chorus is about denying the want of an ex-love basically) that it eventually, especially combined with the dance routine, feels like a genius moment of pop ballet. And, yes, I just said that. Their next single of 2017, Clap, is not half bad either.

TAEYANG - WAKE ME UP

G-Dragon's Big Bang bandmate returned with this initially sinister-sounding growl of electro-balladry that emerges into a slow-motion unravelling of the muscular frontman's apparent vulnerability. And that brief break from verse to chorus is such a perfect tease. Taeyang had one of the biggest K-pop solo hits of all time with 2013's beautiful Eyes, Nose, Lips so expectancies were high for this comeback. He, probably for the best, avoided a retread of the angst of that contient-conquering eye-watering ballad, and instead opted for this expression of heart-clenching obsession in the early throws of romance. A shockingly good return.

EXO - KO KO BOP

Last year's standout Monster was not going to be an easy act to follow, but Exo emerged (minus their final Chinese member Lay) with this fit-as-fuck raggae-dance number that sounded like yet another reinvention for K-pop's most consistently experimental boy band. Beginning with the sound of Carribean dancehall, with a whispery sexiness, this evolves into something else completely and, like all good K-pop, keeps you thirsty for the resolution. What times we live in when any music can be this amazing and when a band can continue to produce work of this standard on such a frequent basis.


STRAY KIDS - HELLEVATOR 

JYP lost two major acts in the past couple of years with Miss A and then The Wonder Girls but by the sound of this debut effort from new boy band Stray Kids they have things in hand and then some (yes, I know they also have Twice and Got7 but still...) Stray Kids launched themselves into a crowded market and yet accomplished this EDM-fuelled anthem that mixes rap and rage and a huge skin-tearing chorus that is absolutely enormous. This was a statement of arrival and whatever the future holds, it is now unthinkable that Stray Kids will not emerge into major players in the K-pop scene.



RED VELVET - RED FLAVOUR

You could not move in Seoul or Tokyo without this blaring from cars, shops and restuarants. It was, probably, the song of the summer. Insanely catchy, this was the sound of Red Velvet undoubtely taking the mantle from the soon-to-disband Girls' Generation and the where-the-hell-are-they F/X as SM's top all-female band. No, it doesn't quite reinvent the wheel but - as with many an SM classic - who could expect that lead-out at the end, the mid-song rap or the amount of catches hidden under the bouncy, disco hall stomp? It is a tune that gets rooted into your skull and then demands repeat listening - much like their almost-as-amazing follow-up single Peek a Boo (which should be on here too but I have limited myself to one song per band).


SUNMI - GASHINA

The ex-Wonder Girl Sunmi had one of the year's biggest homegrown hits with Gashina (meaning a 'bitch' - but she is playing with this term thanks to this enormous FU to an unappreciative ex-boyfriend). Sexy, addicitve and featuring a fast-slow tempo that builds to a stop-step chorus is, at first listen, difficult to follow but eventually cathartic, this was and is a solo effort to cherish. And man... that video is all levels of amazing.

 BLACKPINK - AS IF IT'S YOUR LAST

YG's new girl group had big shoes to fill after the demise of 2NE1 but they played a blinder with this, their fifth and best single to date. It has three choruses. And each one clings to the next in a sort of build-up of anguish, desperation and then relentless throw-caution-to-the-wind celebration. It is pure pop and yet there is something beautiful about the way the totally divergent vocal ranges compliment one another. It really shouldn't work, especially when Rosé utters her tinged-with-some-uncertainty-wail of  'Kiss me like it’s a lie/ As if I’m your last love' - which breaks into an extended plea - before Lisa picks-up with the central hook of 'As if it’s the last, as, as, as if it’s the last'. It is one of the greatest bridges I have ever heard in a pop song. It's just... awesome.

G-DRAGON - '무제(無題) (Untitled, 2014)

A document to lost love. G-Dragon's comeback was hotly anticipated but who could have anticipated this? Not his usual rock-dance-rap-indie-mash-up but instead an understated piano-led wistful longing for a figure of past (and brief?) romance. His Kwon Ji-Yong concept album promised audiences a more personal look at the human being behind the icon (he has to do military service in 2018) and it was a blinder complete with a literal fuck-you to his critics and schmoozers as the opening track that comes complete with a twisted rambling Shaun Ryder-esque mix of venom and vulgarity. Untitled 2014, however, is one of the most beautiful and delicate pieces of music in recent years and, without a word of English, registered with audiences from continet to continent, resulting in a rare three-date UK tour.

TAEYEON - FINE

Oh boy, it comes to this.

Maybe it was 2017. Or at least my 2017. Maybe it is just her voice. It broke me. She breaks me though. It was the first concert I wept at. My concert-buddy Naomi wept too. I was all, 'Really? Both of us?' The tour bus afterwards was silent. Everyone, it seemed, had been battered by over two hours of Taeyeon. That soaring chorus. It glides and it punches. It is an indie-anthem with stadium-filling lungs. It is beautiful. Upsetting but haunting. At least at first listen. A simple guitar line opens the song but once you know what is coming that very first few seconds produce goose-bumps. Or maybe I just never fell for the whole diva-this-is-my-pain thing before. There is a first for everything. She's been slowly slaying me for years. I always felt Dog Man Star by Suede was safe as my favourite album of all time. My Voice by Taeyeon replaced it in 2017. From the delicate but hugely ambitious widescreen sadness of Time Lapse to the piano melancholy of Love in Colour and even the confident but against-type smoky strip club sex n'sweat swagger of I Got Love it is perfect. Just perfect.

I WENT TO ALL THREE DISNEYLANDS IN ASIA SO YOU DID NOT HAVE TO (Unless you really want to)

I'm a huge fan of Walt Disney. There. I said it. I have books galore on the great man (and he was a great film producer and creator) and I roll my eyes at those BFI lists of the best films ever made that don't feature his work - as if Pinnochio and Fantasia, for instance, do not belong on a list of the greatest achievements in motion picture history. Was Walt Disney a racist and a fascist? All evidence indicates he was anything but (in his young years he was actually a radical lefist) but he certainly grew into a conservative and opposed unionisation. Anyone curious about Disney's complexities (and it is worth stating that he put Louis Armstrong on his Disneyland television show even when channels in the South and advertisers maintained they would not carry the programme) can and should access the legions of material that has been penned on the imagineer. He was a troubled, complex man and the more you learn about Walter Elias the more you can begin to appreciate his art.

                                          Walt Disney World, November, 2012

Which brings me to his ultimate gamble - Disneyland, Anaheim, California (followed by Disneyworld in Orlando, Florida). Even in my cynical old age I still think there are things to admire in the parks in California and Florida - although Jean Baudrillard probably nailed it best with his description of hyperreality and now, walking around the Magic Kingdom, I cannot help but refer back to his excellent essay. Nowadays I oddly feel it far more difficult to immerse myself in the plastic fantastic of the castles, costumes and cartoon characters come to life as human-sized dollops of fake-fur. Blame it on Baudrillard. Or maybe just a growing pessimism at the ever growing expansion of the Mouse House which, for now, means turning Disneyland into a confused hodgepodge of pop culture that takes in everything from Darth Vader to Robert Downey Jnr.

                                                    Visiting Disneyland back when I was 25 and living in LA

The first Disneyland to open outside of America was in Tokyo. It opened in 1983 and was soon followed by Tokyo Disneysea in 2001. Wikipedia tells me these are the only parks not under Disney economic ownership but you probably would not notice. The Magic Kingdom looks very similar to those in America but my main interest was in Disneysea, which is unique to Japan and gets a lot of raves online. After visiting Hong Kong and having done the two parks in the USA during my lifetime I was a bit fatigued with the Magic Kingdom. Main Street had lost its allure and Space Mountain had been castrated in the Hong Kong park (see below). So it was, then, that Disneysea seemed the best option.

Then you walk in and... Oh really? Two hour waits for rides? Hmmm, well this is when the Fastpass comes in useful, right?

For those who have never been a Fastpass is part of the Disney ticket. You slide it into a machine that offers you (usually) the chance to come back in about 90 minutes or two hours and skip the bulk of the waiting line. The tickets are limited but they are spread around every attraction meaning that if you cannot get a Fastpass for, say, Space Mountain then you probably can for Splash Mountain. Then you go and wait for a ride (say 50 minutes) then by the time you are finished you get onto another one quickly via Fastpass and can then activate another Fastpass once you have used your old one. All told, in the American parks, even on a really busy day, you can probably ride everything thank to the Fastpass system.

In Tokyo, however, the Fastpass doesn't work.

When we get there, Disneysea is packed. Ride waiting times are 70 minutes to over two hours. OK, so we need to Fastpass. But even at 10am the earliest Fastpass available is for 5pm. Do the maths. This means that we get on a total of two rides - one of which we had line up to seventy minutes for. We chose to stand in the queue for Raging Spirits - a rollercoaster which turns out to be snore-worthy. Despite being built in 2005 it chugs along and does very little, with a bog standard track and a tiny loop-the-loop. I'm unsure of what the theme to this even is. Disneysea is (you guessed it) based around the ocean and its many mysteries. Fuck knows what Raging Spirits is doing then - no fish, no water, no nothing... just a crappy, exhausted, boring rollercoaster that you could take your grandmother on.

Disneysea actually does not feel very Disney.

Neither does it feel very Japanese. It just feels... odd. Tacky but not in the way Akihabara feels 'tacky'. It just feels... sullen. The same rocky mountains and coves everywhere but without any sense of exploration or imagination. Or maybe Raging Spirits just made me feel like I had lost 70 minutes of my life and it would be better drinking beer rather than lining up for two hours to experience Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull (not sure what this has to do with sea either, but Wikipedia explains that it is a near carbon copy of the Disneyland Calfiornia ride, which is admitedly first class). Yes, okay, so this is something Tokyo does do - it sells alcohol. The cynic in me believes that this is because the park is awful and the rides are tragic but, either way, it means you can at least have a beer or two before finally making use of your solitary Fastpass. In this case it was to ride something called Journey to the Centre of the Earth.

Woohoo... only had to wait seven hours to ride this one (during which I think we circled the park in boredom about sixty times)... apparently one of the best attractions in the park...

And it's crap. Good Lord it's crap. If Tommy Wisseau made theme park rides it would be this. A big plastic mass of garbage that finally picks up some speed and ends. It lasts about 90 seconds and it feels half-finished. I am not even sure what happened on this thing. The effects were of a 1950s Roger Corman movie level. In Kirkcaldy (my hometown) we have something every year called The Links Market. It's Europe's longest running street fair and it takes place every April. It lasts a week and lots of travelling old carney families come in and set-up rides - ghost trains, waltzers, whatever... The crowd for The Links Market is a mixture of young people, mums and dads with an exciteable kid, alcoholics and junkies seeking to pick pockets (to be fair, this is the entire population of Kirkcaldy).

Man, I'm telling you, as low-rent as most of the offerings at the Links Market are, had anyone erected Journey to the Centre of the Earth, there would be moans and complaints. It's that rubbish.

                                                                                                 Beer is indeed sold at Tokyo Disneyland!

So with rides stretching towards the two-and-a-half-hour mark, we opted to leave Tokyo Disneyland. Disappointingly, even the merchandise was diabolical. Then a kind lady came up to us and asked if we wanted two fastpass tickets to the Finding Nemo simulator. It was an act of fluke and we accepted. But the simulator was boring too. Sorry Tokyo Disneysea, but you are officially the dregs of all the Disney parks.

                                                                           Male cosplayers as Disney Princesses in the Tokyo Park. The highlight!

Opening in September, 2005, Hong Kong Disneyland was the second Disney park in Asia. It is easy to access thanks to Hong Kong's excellent monorail system and, obviously, it is the most English-friendly of all three Disney parks. The rides that require any kind of narration are given in English and not Cantonese. The designers have also played it remarkably safe - the solitary park, The Magic Kingdom, is a carbon copy of the ones in California and Florida, albeit far smaller than both. In a way this might make sense - Hong Kong being so densley populated, for instance - but, on the other, it makes the attraction feel like a half-day option at best. In truth, when we attended on a week day, with hardly anyone in attendance, it was possible to get around the park and on every ride we wanted within just two hours. Now this need not be a bad thing. I still remember going to Singapore's excellent Universal Studios back in 2012, finding that no one was there, and still filling up most of the day thanks to some A+ attractions. Unfortunately, Hong Kong Disneyland doesn't have a single ride that is worth doing a second time...

                                                My only pic of Hong Kong Disney and I have to be pulling a very unplanned goofy face!

For a start, and this might be Disney-wide, but Space Mountain is now a mess. Re-dubbed Hyper-Space Mountain it has been reborn as a Star Wars ride with the soundtrack booming at full volume and scenes from the original trilogy playing on giant screens. Alas, this means Space Mountain (sorry, Hyper-Space Mountain) is no longer a dark ride. Instead, you can see each and every turn and, in the full blaze of light, Space Mountain is actually remarkably boring. Slow hand clap to Disney. The other rollercoaster (of sorts) at Hong Kong Disneyland is Big Grizzly Mountain Runaway Mine Cars. This ride is a spin-off from the Big Thunder Mountain ride that typified the 'old West' theme of Disneyland's Critter County and Disneyworld's excellent Frontierland. Hong Kong has a 'Grizzly Gulch' which is, again, like a minature version of the latter two 'lands' and it is not especially visually impresive. The Big Grizzly Mountain Runaway Mine Cars is fairly fun but it won't do much to impress the hardcore thrill-seeker. The only other rides I bothered with in Hong Kong were Mystic Manner, a Haunted Mansion style attraction which is unique to this park, and the Iron Man Experience. The former was the best attraction at Hong Kong Disney and, in its own way, just as good as The Haunted Mansion. The attraction takes in elements of British colonialism, which are obviously especially relevant to Hong Kong, and the thieving of foreign riches (with one item releasing spirits which create havoc in an old colonial house). With this said, Hong Kong and the Opium Wars are not mentioned by name (there is still a lot of pro-British sentiment on the island among native Hong Kongers - and it is interesting to note that the Union Jack flies over the Jungle River Cruise, something that would be unthinkable in the Shanghai park. The flag has oddly been reborn as a sign of protest against Mainland adminstration in Hong Kong, as uncomfortable as many of us - myself included - might feel with it being flown).

As for the Iron Man ride - hmmm, call me a purist but I hate seeing Star Wars and Marvel at Disneyland. They are not part of the Disney lexicon and I would much rather they were kept apart or at least designed as elements of a secondary theme park. Iron Man is never going to feel 'Disney' to me and the ride itself is lightweight. It is a 3D simulator ride, but unlike the excellent and hair-raising Transformers variant at Universal Singapore, this is really tame and one never feels as if they are really 'part of the action'. Whilst the visuals are not bad, and the designers do set the action in Hong Kong (predominantly on Hong Kong Island, which is the area most tourists will be familiar with I guess), I felt that the small screen and the drab 3D effects were positively B-grade. In comparison, I rode Transformers three times over - despite detesting the films - because it is absolutely absorbing and even quite hair raising.

                               Michael Bay might make terrible films but this ride outdoes Hong Kong's Iron Man simulator by a country mile

All in all, Hong Kong Disneyland is a huge letdown. For the entrance price I doubt many adults could find much to do and the merchandise shops and layout are minimal. The park feels unfinished and it has a strangley grubby feel to it (the restuarants are nasty, for instance). When we attended there was only a small crowd - and, perhaps, for very young children there will be a few more things to take in. But this is the least Disney-ish Magic Kingdom park I have been to.

Still better than Tokyo Disneysea though.

Next up, and I was surprised by this, is the best of the three: Shanghai Disneyland.

Just opening a year ago, Shanghai Disneyland has no Main Street and offers a radical rethink of how a Disney park should look and lay itself out. It works well and points to a far more assured Disney experience than Hong Kong or Tokyo. Unfortunately, the same problems that hampered the Tokyo park are in evidence here.

First of all, once again the Fastpass system does not function. In fact, the park offers only two or three chances to get a Fastpass during the day and once these chances are exhausted no more are offered. The third Fastpass opportunity arrives at about 1pm - so you basically have a Fastpass opportunity at, say, 9am and the 11am and then 1pm. After that - none. And as Disney park buffs will be well aware, you cannot get another Fastpass until you have used your original. Does this mean pacing yourself? Not at all. Instead, Shanghai Disney simply rolls all three Fastpass opportunities back-to-back meaning that if the 9am Fastpass opportunity runs out at, say, 9.15am you then get your chance for the 11am and then the 1pm - meaning that all Fastpass opportunities for a given ride can be exhausted and unavailable after 9.30am. To put this into perspective, we got there early and grabbed a Fastpass for the TRON rollercoaster and were then unable to get any other Fastpass for any other ride that day. To add insult to injury as soon as the park clocked about noon the ride waiting times were stretching to three hours.

That's some ill-thought out insanity right there.

I don't understand why the Fastpass system is so badly utilised and misunderstood in Shanghai and Tokyo but it clearly is.

As such, we only got on two rides in Shanghai Disney - TRON (an excellent but far too short rollercoaster-in-the-dark ride which, were it a minute longer, might well be the finest Disney ride of all time) and Pirates of the Carribean. Now the Shanghai Pirates of the Carribean is a totally new imagining of the film franchise and nothing to do with the ride you might be familiar with from the American parks. And indeed it poops all over its now-dated American counterparts from a very high height. This is truly state of the art stuff and points to the future of theme park ambitions. It is breathtaking, frankly, sending viewers on a trip under and over water that totally immerses and amazes, although the entire experience is voiced in Mandarin.

 

And that was that. With enormous waiting times, there really was not much more to do at Shanghai Disneyland. It looks beautiful by night, though, and it has a lovely Disney-ish feel - far more so than its other Asian counterparts. Merchandise is also pretty good - including a range of classic Oswald the Lucky Rabbit stuff for the ultimate Disney nerds (such as myself).

The most amusing thing for me was wandering around and looking at this little slice of Americana in 'Communist' China and thinking of Uncle Walt spinning in his grave and the youth of Shanghai and Beijing mulling over how normal everything seems: they have their Disneyland, their Metallica concerts, their Starbucks, their McDonalds, Harry Potter, Victoria Secret, Louis Vutton and multiplex cinemas...

Nothing is missing in 21st century China.

Right?

TOP 20 K-POP SONGS OF 2016

OK so my blog on Asia seemed to have run its course a bit (no update in over a year) but being that DAZED magazine once again posted their Top 20 K-Pop Tracks of 2016 I thought I may as well offer my own again. Especially since I felt their list was actually pretty disappointing and missed out most of the year's standouts. Sorry chaps. This list may well change in time, especially since last year I totally failed to have Oh My Girl and Closer as my number two. Despite the fact it is uniquely beautiful.

I also missed out History and Right to Die. Which fucking rocks (Warning: features six-packed Korean men dry-humping the floor). 

Anyway, 2016 was a strange year for K-pop - 4Minute, Miss A, KARA and (most shockingly) 2NE1 called it quits, whilst CL once again failed to make leg-way in the USA. Yet, 2016 also delivered some of my favourite songs to date. I already struggled with who would and would not make this list. Songs as good as Luna's house anthem Free Somebody, 2PM's thunderous Promise (I'll Be), Red Velvet's quirky Russian Roulette, Oh My Girl's ridiculously poppy Liar Liar, T-ara's unexpectedly whispy Tiamo, Fiestar's bouncy Apple Pie, Dia's insanely catchy Mr Potter, Hyuna's club-conquering How's This?, Sistar's Bollywood-inspired beauty I Like That and Shinee's pop-tastic 1 x 1 (odds on for video of the year) even miss my Top 20. And Shinee's Tell Me What to Do is pretty much spot-on as well. See entry number six for my explanation.

That this level of creativity is not present below only indicates that, taken in pure quality, this might have been the best year yet for Seoul-sounds.

And 2016 also demonstrated that the genre - if we can even call it such - is still producing the most exciting music on the planet. Having seen many of the acts listed here live over the past year too (including a trio of Girls' Generation concerts) it is really thrilling to also be able to confirm that fan business is as hysterical as it has ever been. Being in the midst of the K-pop boom has been, for me at least, more exciting than my youth, and led to a lot of new discoveries, which I really enjoy sharing here.



WINNER - SENTIMENTAL

It was a tough year for YG's other hit boy band - with leading man Nam Taehyun quitting the band due to 'mental health issues'. Exactly where Winner go now is anyone's guess but this hit single is one of the band's standout tunes to date with an indie-pop chorus that is absolutely infectious. Ignore the clueless pundits who described Shinee's 1 of 1 as a 'Britpop' throwback. Sonically it was nothing of the sort. But this is the real deal and it wouldn't sound totally out of place sandwiched somewhere between Menswe@r and Stereotypes-era Blur. Really. And no prizes if you can spot the Stone Roses nod in the video.

AOA - GOOD LUCK

AOA continue to push the primetime Korean censors whilst drumming up excellent pop music. Ignoring the swimsuits, bum-wiggling and long legs (yes, yes I know that is hard), this is a great slice of vamped-up vaudeville which seagues from stop-start repetition to a violently pronounced chorus that is sheer genius. The accompanying EP, which also highlights the utterly gorgeous eighties throwback 10 Seconds, is one of the year's finest short plays and proof that AOA are not just one of the K-pop's biggest bands because of their skin-flauting... (I even paid double to get an autographed copy of this puppy for fuckssake). Indeed, if 10 Seconds had been the A-side in 2016 I think I'd have pushed AOA into my top ten...

HYOYEON - MYSTERY

The SM Station, which promised a new weekly tune from one of their artists (most of them as download only) seemed like an ambitious offering but it certainly gave us some absolute gems. Surely the most unexpected of all was the first single from Girls' Generation member - and 'Dancing Queen' - Hyoyeon, a charismatic, charming and often unfairly sidelined (at least vocally) part of the eight-piece supergroup. Even more leftfield was this Middle-Eastern tinged masterwork which compliments her vocal range just perfectly. A solo debut to treasure, Mystery is indication that Hyeyeon's delightfully distinctive husky voice will have a life after the eight-piece band reaches its conclusion.

BLOCK B - TOY

This is Block B's best single so far. A more gentle and (whisper it) romantic offering than the band usually opts for (I still recall this weirdie making my brain contort when I first came across it during a trip to Seoul in December 2013. Forgive me. I was new to K-pop at the time and it was stuff like that which felt like a neon-tinged injection of awesomeness that my mind could not quite compute... I came home, went to a Cribs concert and felt... dismayed... as if I was on a drug-downer and the drunken colourful world of Gangham clubs and pubs was now as far away as the Moon itself). Toy gave us a far more human side to the group and they played it well. The epic chorus, which changes tempo at the last moment, is danceable but also skillfully emotive. Whilst the accompanying album failed to live up to Toy's excellence, this standout slice of melancholia was one of the most rotated options on my own iPad during 2016.

BIG BANG - LAST DANCE

As T.O.P prepares for military service, Big Bang completed their 'Made' album with three new tracks - of which Last Dance is the easy standout (and god knows what they were thinking with the other two). The Made endeavour is, obviously, now a very clear concept LP - and one of the most striking achievements in K-pop history (even the faults, such as that aforementioned twosome, can be seen as honourable failures in the context of the bigger whole). It was Big Bang, in effect, saying their goodbyes and weighing up the pros and cons of life as thirty-something military grads with lots of cash but a likely inability to reclaim their past success. Made was, quite tenderly, the fivesome proclaiming - 'yeah, this was as good as it gets'. The smart thing might have been for label YG to send them all into the military together, thus allowing for a two year hiatus, but with each artist having such a dominating solo career it is at least understandable why they have opted not to. Last Dance has one of T.O.P's most heartbreaking vocal performances as he admits 'one last smile' and 'It’s not like the world, that I’ve seen and felt'. Buckle up, big guy - you'll break a lot of hearts in that squaddie uniform.

(As a side note, Last Dance and Taemin's more mature Soldier indicates that South Korea's celebrity youth are now, finally, actually allowing themselves to not-entirely-subtly-but-still-carefully vocalise what that impending military service feels like. For anyone unfamiliar with the nation's culutre, this is inifintely more taboo breaking than you might think - far more so than The Sex Pistols mindlessly bellowing 'God Save the Queen' - and if Taemin's tune doesn't touch your heart you might well be made of stone. It was one of the year's edgiest and most thematically groundbreaking songs).
 
B.A.P - SKYDIVE

And this is the best Bond track since Tina Turner. Or maybe Gladys Knight. Shame that no one at Eon is ever likely to hear it. Sadly, after their 2015 return from that notorious lawsuit, B.A.P. had another rough year (with member Bang Yong Guk taking a hiatus for the same 'mental health problems' that Winner's press release also maintained). But holy shit if this doesn't rock. This is B.A.P. at their heaviest and, complete with its ridiculously ambitious ten minute music video, this was one of 2016's most bombastic and brilliant comebacks. 

HISTORY - QUEEN

The sound of decadence. Sexy. Provocative. Even a little... sinister? Boom, boom, boom... History are one of Korea's least known and most underrated boy bands. Although as with anything Korean the description of 'boy band' doesn't do them justice because One Direction this is not. This is exactly what you want from a new K-pop song. Join the fandom before History really break out - and on the sonics of something as superb as this, that time can only be soon...

EXID - L.I.E

Bubblegum at its best, Exid had a huge 2015 and have never looked back since. Another dance floor anthem that builds into two choruses - one wrapped up in lavishly produced and richly indulged high notes and another that slows down into an extended EDM chant. The two sides, however, work perfectly and after the second or third listen some of the other parts also come together brilliantly - including a token rap from LE and a nice collapse into balladry. Exid also slammed out the more sexually forthright (and outright clubby) Cream in 2016, shot in the shadow of Shanghai's iconic Oriental Pearl, but I'm going with L.I.E as their annual best. And the video is proof positive of why Hani has fast become one of Asia's foremost sex symbols. Just saying (for the curious, she's the one with the short hair who starts the song).

NCT 127 - FIRE TRUCK

I don't really get SM's NCT project. I suspect it is their attempt to establish somewthing that is a little like Japan's continent-conquering AKB48 (warning: that previous link is not work friendly) as a similarly Asia-wide thing and with interchangeable males (but actual good music). But K-pop is not J-pop and fans become far more attached to a group than the more 'meat in a skirt' thing of AKB48 which rotates members - and nationalised spin-offs - at an alarming rate. Either way, NCT 127's Fire Truck is indier than anything you will hear in any supposed 'indie' bar this year. NME writers, having had to hype years of soundalike Arctic Monkeys albums, would doubtlessly have a mind-melt trying to describe exactly what this sounds like and what it is even doing. At least one thing is for sure: turned up loud this positively burns... And the amazing thing is that this is not even the best song from the NCT experiment. For that... wait until number two...

YURI & SEOHYUN - SECRET

This is how I want my dance music. Ear-rattling, seductive and nasty... I don't know if this is the sort of thing I would even have dared tackle back in my days of Morrissey-love but this, this, is the sound of too much alcohol. The sound of 'time to go home'. The sound of attempting to recover from a night on a dancefloor. It makes me feel ten years younger. Oddly. Because ten years ago there is no way I would have listened to this. Maybe I am running low on descriptions at this point - but I loved this so song so much a little bit of my heart was chipped away when I learned it played with a Pantene advert in South Korea. Fuckssake. The impossibly perfect Yuri and Seohyun, of course, are two members of Girls' Generation - but hopefully you did not need me to tell you that.

BTS - FIRE

BTS are the heirs to Big Bang and EXO as Korea's biggest thing right now and after storming K-Con in America this year there were even some rumblings about a world tour. Would this also equate with Stateside airplay? To be honest, I'm not sure if the band is ever, much like Big Bang and EXO, going to grab a genuinelly international audience but Fire is that rare thing - an indie-rock anthem that you can honestly imagine playing on Western radio stations (moreso even than Gangham Style). It is certainly far more accessible than a lot of K-pop whilst still rocking way harder than the last stadium trudge-anthem you heard blaring out from a stuffed suit's BMW. Purely hypothetically, if I was going to spend eight (nine?) figures launching any Asian band in the English-speaking world I would, on the strength of this puppy, probably go for BTS... Give this one a twirl and see if you agree.

4MINUTE - HATE

How the hell did this flop? But flop it did and soon 4Minute were no more - with only Hyuna remaining on record label, Cube Entertainment, as a signed performer. The break-up was ugly but as far as swansongs go this is one of the very best from any band in any genre, ever. Kicking off as a tragic ballad this evolves into a really in-your-face dance thumper welcomed by Hyuna's should-have-been-iconic squeal of 'I hate you'... A brilliant work of pop-art there is no excusing bad taste - and in an alternate world 4Minute are heading into 2017 as arena-headlining heroines and one of the most commercial acts in Asia. Alas, as 2016 taught us, terrible judgement was everywhere...

TIFFANY - HEARTBREAK HOTEL

Girls' Generation member Tiffany had a troubled 2016 - although posting the symbol of the Japanese Imperial Army on your Instagram during South Korea's liberation day will, generally, get you into the sort of hot water that - say - Nazi regalia encourages in the West (unless you are Lemmy). A few fawning, begging apologies later and Tiffany made a sort-of comeback with the Far East Movement, and the excellent Don't Speak, but otherwise the Californian-born Valley Girl stayed wisely quiet. Earlier in 2016, though, she came out with this dreamy widescreen wistful amalgamation of early 90s house and Tori Amos/ Boys from Pele-era road music. It was outstanding and showed the full range of Tiffany's vocal talents too - so much so that future solo projects from the American expat (who, by now, must have had some rush-history lessons on her adopted country and its past) should be anticipated by just about everyone...

WONDER GIRLS - WHY SO LONELY

Raggae has never had the easiest transition in K-pop - the sound of dance halls and anti-imperialist ethos in the Carribean has been, largely, reappropriated via lots of beautiful Korean men and women as a sexy soundbite which encourages much boobs and bum shaking. At its very worst, we have seen Korean men in dreads pictured pretending to smoke the sort of narcotic that, in Seoul, would get them a spell in chokey, a finality to their career and largescale media and public disgust (yes, weed is taken that seriously). The Wonder Girls, however, take the form and respectfully and expertly intergrate it into a flawless 3.34 minute pop song that chops, changes and surprises at all turns. Still one of Korea's A-list bands, JYP's most enduring act looks unlikely to falter if they continue to serve-up comebacks as mind-blowing as this. And the music video is excellent.

TAEMIN - SAYONARA HITORI

Taemin, the franchise of Shinee, had a phenomenol 2016 with a superb solo album and such breathtaking indigenous singles as Press My Number and Drip Drop. Nevertheless, it is his Japanese shortplay - Sayonara Hitori - that gets the nod here. One of the most spine-tingling numbers to come from SM Entertainment - this is Taemin at his heartfelt best and redefines his image as a mature and sensitive songwriter and performer, something that his output throughout the year consistently cemented. At this stage, in fact, the Taemin image now feels as if it has even outgrown the mammoth of Shinee. And that is no mean feat. But listen to Sayonara Hitori (as well as the above-linked Soldier) and it is nearly impossible not to hear the emerging of a possible 'voice of a generation'. Hopefully SM can give the sexually ambigious - and androgynous - artist enough freedom to continue to explore increasingly more adventurous soundscapes (and themes). With this said, Shinee's really fantastic Tell me What to Do really did deserve a place on this list. So pardon my cheating...

I've opted for a Taemin solo instead - and besides, I don't want my Top 20 to seem like too much of an SM love-fest.

Speaking of which...

TAEYEON - 11:11

At this point Taeyeon is so iconic it feels pointless even writing anything here. Her gorgeous performance of Rain at the MAMA Awards in December only instigated how her very presence sends an audience into a respectful and perfect hush of admiration. When I began this list I opted for one artist and one song because someone like Taeyeon makes it otherwise difficult not to list their other achievements (for anyone curious, summer single Why is an easy 10/10 too). I have gone for 11:11 for the simple reason that it is Taeyeon stripped down, vulnerable, at her most expressive but without the stadium-filling lungs that she is all-too-frequently expected to show (for anyone who remembers last year's solo debut). The only question left for the Girls' Generation leader is exactly where she goes from here. As with Yoona, she has already slayed an entire continent (to the point it feels odd coming back to the UK and not seeing her image, or hearing her music, anywhere) but whether or not her delicate, even virginal, and certainly insanely shy, personality can break further is anyone's guess...


YOUNHA (FEATURING HA: FELT FROM WONDER GIRLS AND CHEETAH) - GET IT?

Punky foul-mouthed feminist anthem that subverts the image of the 'crazy' girlfriend (including with a hilarious video). This is forthright and angry, atmospheric and antagonistic with one of the best choruses of the year. Probably should have been one of the year's biggest hits but it wasn't - even in spite of three superior vocal performances (with Yenny from The Wonder Girls already making me ache for her next solo album) and, by K-pop standards, a more 'alternative' approach to the production (just listen to that low-fi but absolutely sublime opening).

BLACK PINK - STAY 

With four singles to date the most challenging thing was concluding on which Black Pink number to put in here. Stay gets the placement for its understated acoustic beauty - although the tubthumping instant-classic Boombayah, the midnight-hour rouser Playing With Fire and the more experimental Whistle are all tremendous. Then again, they had to be: with YG's 2NE1 calling it quits, Black Pink had to be something special. Whilst the four beauties (with dyed-blonde Lisa offering a slight exoticisim by hailing from Thailand) fit the physical perfection that detractors of K-pop often focus upon - as opposed to the more ragtag glamour of 2NE1 - the songs speak for themselves. As Black Pink go forward, it will be up to the foursome to cultivate the same dedicated fan worship that each charismatic 2NE1 personality managed to grab - but, at the very least, with debut hits as brilliant as this, they have a far stronger start than their YG compatriots were initially afforded.

NCT U - WITHOUT YOU

NCT U (not to be confused with NCT 127 or, uh, NCT Dream) introduced SM's latest brainfart with the sort of epic guitar anthem that makes pretty much any other guitar anthem from 2016 seem fairly... shite. Ultimately, this sounds so freaking massive that NCT U's follow-up number, The 7th Sense, which in itself is really quite great, was given a pitiful task in even attempting to come on the heels of this outstanding rush of sexual infatuation (cheesy or sleazy? Make your call). It still sounds unbeatable, confident, crooning and totally uplifting - making the decision for further NCT sub-groups seem pointless. After all, SM has pulled off the impossible - a band of pretty boys that sound nothing like flagships EXO, Shinee or Super Junior. Do they really need to make it any more complicated than that?

EXO - MONSTER

EXO had so many good songs this year it beggars belief that a band this brilliant remains so unknown outside of Asia (where they are bigger than boiled rice). Even after losing another member, reducing the once-twelve piece to a fit-as-fuck ninesome, their comeback with Monster was lean, mean and - right from the song's siren-fuelled start - sounded like pure unadulterated danger. And with eye-opening lyrics of sexual frustration, that one might not have expected to drool from the mouths of the EXO lads ('I’ll steal you and indulge in you/ I’m gonna mess you up/ I’m engraved in your heart/ So even if I die, I’ll live forever'), this is a testosterone-fuelled dance-rock mash that - at the year's end - plays as a deliberate 'fuck you' to any band even thinking of touching their K-pop crown. Having seen EXO live twice in 2016 I am personally tempted to go so far as to crown them as the best living band on the planet. From their remarkable and varied output over the past year, it is mouth watering to think where this group might be headed to in the next couple of years - providing SM can keep them healthy and manages to retain what's left of the band.


SPECIAL MENTION

If we are including album tracks... Well, Luna's 'Breathe' from her 'Free Somebody' album might be second only to EXO in 2016 achievements. It is so effortlessly stunning you can escape right into every perfect second.

Close your eyes and turn off the lights...

Harare in Zimbabwe: The Dark Rhodesian Past Rots into a Depressing Post-Colonial Present

"No, no, no you see I am British"

This was the insane clarion call of an old friend of mine during Scotland's independence referendum in our conversations. The person in question, who writes books set in American states he has never and will never visit (inspired, in turn, by American blockbuster films), insisted - despite having never lived anywhere outside of Glasgow - that he was utterly, utterly British. My old acquaintance, however, seemed to know very little about what 'British' meant - at least insofar as it referenced an old Empire of colonial slavery, exploitation, brutality, concentration camps, hurried independence for the colonies (and ensuing chaos and/ or genocidal mayhem - or trained-up military vets taking power) and propping up dictators throughout the 20th century (I'll get to Mugabe). Describing this was pointless: "Liam Neeson, David Bowie and Tom Jones are part of my country" he would insist - as if name-checking wealthy pensioner-aged white men somehow indicated a national identity.

                                         You must visit Victoria Falls. You must.

The thing about white people desperately hanging on to being 'British' is that very few of them, as I discovered, know much about the sheer insanity of what the term relates to. The fella in question, for example, was in favour of the war in Iraq but couldn't tell you a single thing about the post-World War 1 meddling in the country by the good old (go on, guess) British Empire, who paved the way for the clusterfuck that eventually led to the Ba'athist regime. And for those who voted against Scottish independence... well, congratulations - your desire to put your fingers in your ears and cry 'nananananana' instead of weighing up exactly what "British" even means in this post-colonial era now makes your country a laughing stock across the world.

Believe me, I know, I travel, I get it firsthand...

In a country without a single museum dedicated to its Empire, Frankie Boyle has at least pointed out the absurdity of how Comic Relief presents African poverty. We all like a good cause but can someone offer some context to the often harrowing images? Too much to ask? Until someone does, clueless cretins - such as the fella I am referring to - will unashamedly think a democratic will to self-government is 'ugly nationalism' (damn those Kenyans! Fuck that lot in East Timor!) and associate that fictional 'British' identity with nothing more radical than Tom Jones shaking his arse to pensioners.

So it is, then, that the former Rhodesia, and in particular its capital of Harare (Salisbury until 1982), was high on my list of places to visit. Britain's last outpost in Africa. You owe it to yourself to go and visit. It should be a Mecca-like trip for everyone with a UK passport, actually, because oh how quickly we forget our presence in this continent. And the likes of Comic Relief are not exactly eager to remind anyone. Yet the paw-print of Empire is everywhere in the city of Harare. Even today.

                                          Harare, est. 1982


The current Zimbabwe was granted its independence from the UK in 1980 after the fabled Lancaster House Agreement and 15 years of government under an unrecognised UDI. The latter allowed a wily Robert Mugabe, who had fought a guerilla war with - in particular - the support of former Portuguese colony Mozambique, to bully his way into power. The 1980 elections were... bothersome to say the least. In fact, few at the time felt they were without violent intimidation. The result, celebrated even by a visiting Bob Marley, left behind a re-named capital city that, seen today, is an interesting mess. There might still be some who will defend Uncle Bob (or 'Comrade Bob' as the great Nelson Mandela referred to him). He was, after all, a freedom fighter, imprisoned and tortured by the illegitimate Ian Smith regime of Rhodesia - and he had also long rallied against the mass land ownership by the so-called white colonialists (an understandable anger which, sadly, resulted in economic collapse for the agriculturally rich country when the haphazard and hurried farm evictions took place in the late 1990s/ 2000s). But Mugabe's apologists are few and far between these days. Most telling about the last link is that the author resides in Britain. In the old colonialist city of London.

Mugabe's Zanu-PF party, which owns national paper The Herald (among others), is long out of ideas... still blaming stuff on the leftover whites (of which there are few), homosexuals, Western sanctions, Tony Blair - who reneged on The Lancaster House Agreement well aware that Mugabe was not redistributing farmland to anyone but his own corrupt army goons - and most recently Pastor Evan Mawarire... Evan was the man who, after causing a social media explosion, fled to America out of fear for this own life - and who can blame him? Add to this a cash shortage (after inflation went wild, Zimbabwe adopted the US dollar in 2009), a 90% unemployment rate, war veterans who are now teaming-up against the regime and numerous fixed elections and you have a huge mess that 92 year old Mugabe cannot possibly hope to crawl out of. To get into the country you now have a 'guilt tax' of $55 - and it is more for a double entry VISA (which almost everyone wants so they can cross to Botswana or Zambia). No guessing whose pockets your cash is going into.

But give Mugabe credit for avoiding the chop for this long. He is a smart man. Even at age 92 he is feted by other African states - largely for waging a war against Smith that many did not think he could win. He was, at his prime, a gifted orator. Well-read about history, he could have been - at the very least - a Kenneth Kuanda figure: right place, wrong approach, right exit. Zambia today has little (at least at governmental level) of the language of racism that Mugabe has attempted to provoke against the ex-Rhodesians and their kin. Just ask Guy Scott.

                                              Cathedral of the Sacred Heart, Harare, Built 1927

Peter Godwin, who has written three books on Rhodesia/ Zimabwe (including the notorious 2008 elections, in which South African President Thabo Mbeki shamefully propped up corrupt ballot results to avoid a furthering refugee crisis in Pretoria) argues that Mugabe won't step down because he faces The Hague. But what is often not mentioned is that the now-notorious - but then-ignored - Matabeleland Massacre of 1983 - was carried out, in part, to protect the interests of the same white farmers Mugabe would eventually allow his Bush War vets to violently evict from their land (and in some cases kill). Discovering that lone, random dwellers - associated with Joshua Nkomo's rival ZAPU party - were trespassing, and instigating violence, on white farms was enough for Mugabe to use the 'armed resistance' excuse and go into Matabeleland with all guns blazing. At that point, with white ownership still totaling 48% of Zimbabwe proper, and the country boasting the second biggest economy in Africa, everyone - all across the world - wanted to believe in the man in charge. He got away with genocide - sending his North Korean-trained military to wipe out the Shona majority's historic enemies in Matabeleland. In 1984 he spoke at the Whitehouse with Ronald Reagan looking on. Britain continued to honour him too. He was Knighted in 1994 - just over a decade after 20,000 people were slaughtered and post-1987 elections had been rigged in his favour. Edinburgh University gave him an honourary degree that year as well. He even socialised with Prince Charles and Margaret Thatcher. Fuck, they even filmed Cry Freedom in Zimbabwe. A film opposed to oppression. Our own Dicky Attenborough. Was he also smitten by one of the worst living dictators?

                                          Harare countryside from atop the National Heroes Acre

All of this was in my head as our plane - an Air Zimbabwe flight (which despite popular reputation was on time, clean and offered a lovely in-air snack) - touched down into Harare. I had come from Victoria Falls where people were evidently desperate. A short taxi journey cost $10 - even with haggling - and people on the street would tail you for blocks, begging to sell you tat or asking for shampoo, spare notes or coins, clothes... anything that you could give. An entertainer at the hotel I was staying begged me to buy him lunch the next day (and I had already tipped him $20). I spoke to an old Rhodesian - a white lady who was out with her grandchild. "Don't you plan to leave?" I asked. "Where would I go? It's beautiful here" she replied. And she is correct. Victoria Falls - wrapped in a perpetual clingfilm as if being preserved from moving on from 1920 - and cleaner than you would ever have any right to expect - is gorgeous. Zimbabwe is gorgeous. In his books Godwin explains the colours and terrain that exist in his home nation and you have to see them for yourself to understand that words do not do this jaw-dropping country justice. The sky at night, the foliage, the wild animals, the smell and the sights, Victoria fucking Falls itself... outside of Vietnam I do not think I have ever seen such natural beauty.

                                         Zimbabwe at nightfall, over the mighty Zambezi River

And for all of Mugabe's anti-colonial gusto, the man who David Coltart claims still loves Cliff Richard records has kept Victoria Falls, and to some extent Harare, as colonial as it comes... from the old buildings to the pictures of Royal visits that adorn the top hotels. There is even an oversized painting of the Queen Mother in The Victoria Falls Hotel. It is all there... the scars of Rhodesia's past, highlighted but stripped of context.I overhear a lady ask if the pictures of old Rhodesia have 'something to do with the Boers'. Tourists coming and going - bungee jumping from the exact sight of the 1976 negotiations, unaware of the importance of where they are standing... that's the new Zimbabwe. Tourist cash is needed but museums are in short supply. For your cultural fix a trip to neighbouring Zambia (Northern Rhodesia) offers better education about the bad old days of white rule. Ian Smith, today, is someone the white water rafters who come to Victoria Falls in their tens of thousands will never hear about and never know existed.

Harare itself is, well, a dump.

The pomp of Salisbury past still lingers - you can see it in the old buildings and the decaying old railway station, which barely even functions anymore. "How many trains come here?" I ask someone at the station. "Maybe one or two... every few hours. In four hours maybe you will see a train." Nothing is happening in Harare now except the protests - but the Zimbabwe court, under Zanu-PF pressure, has declared them illegal. I go out for a walk on the Friday morning that a protest was scheduled to take place - starting in the African Unity Square - and riot police charge up to the area. It is about 10am sharp. People begin to flee. Just another indication of the power of the regime. Zimbabwe might well be becoming a police state. There is no action today. Just a (literal) car crash in the city centre. It attracts a lot of onlookers until the cops arrive and wave everyone on.

                                         The ghosts of Cecil Rhodes and his demented dreams

The train station in particular is a depressing sight. It looks like a rundown outlet that you might see in a small town in the UK. A Rhodesian Railways carriage sits stranded a few lines up. Rhodesia is a name you don't see anywhere but on the trains. Another, more modern locomotive doesn't move either. I am told it is broken and won't be repaired. It was only built in 1999. On the streets people look defeated. We are the only two white faces I see but no one even makes eye contact. Harare has a reputation for being one of the safest Southern African cities. I am told by the famous Meikles Hotel, itself a shadow of its former self (the nobs in the bathtub screw off at the slightest of touch), not to leave at sundown. "It is probably not safe for you out there". Certainly, there does not seem to be much street lighting. I know that if I was in the situation everyone outside is in I sure as fuck would want to mug me too.

                                          Railway station, Harare

I take a taxi to the top of the city - looking out over the view that I have become familiar with from book after book on Rhodesia/ Zimbabwe. Harare has not changed so much, I think, at least from a distance, since its Salisbury days. You can tell there is a beautiful old town in there somewhere. The dirty, cracked, broken pavements and roads need fixed. The litter needs lifted. Some buildings look ready to collapse. Civil servants need paid and employed - the refuge is in piles in some street corners. Maybe when Mugabe goes, when sanctions are gone, inward investment returns... maybe then Harare can return to fruition. I see two young female students at the top of the hill, reading their course books, talking about theory. "What are you studying?" I ask. "We are majoring in communications". Mugabe educated his people well. Zimbabwe has the highest literacy rate in all of Africa. He could have been one of the greats but yet here we are... a city that houses derelict buildings, pawn shops, rubble and garbage and people trying to flog old Zimbabwe dollars for US currency. "Look, you can be worth a trillion dollars" laugh the peddlers. I already have some. They will look good on my office wall.

Coke looks out everywhere in Harare. They are all over the billboards. Emirates as well. The dream of escape. I think about how cruel it is to tease a nation of jobless youngsters with a shitty life expectancy rate with the dream of foreign getaways. Zimbabweans are fleeing into South Africa. Many are taking up space in the already decrepit townships that are leftover from apartheid. You ask a waiter in Cape Town where they are from and there is a good chance they will say Zimbabwe. And everyone is so fucking nice. Maybe the years of the Bush War, or the memories that came with it and were passed down, have stopped a civil war. Maybe no one wants another Angola: a seemingly never-ending body count built around political leaders fighting for control and shooting a tonne of shit up in the process. Angola still hasn't recovered. Who knows if it will. The world doesn't remember. I would wager my 'British' pal couldn't find that county on the map.

Who will come to Zimbabwe's aid if armed fighting kicks off?

There is a saying in Zimbabwe that everyone has to have a back-up plan. Hardly anyone alive has known a leader other than Mugabe or Ian Smith. And the irony is that The Herald, on the day I arrive, is still banging on about Smith. Fuck man, he died in 2007. He stepped away from politics in 1987. Let the old racist rest. Who still blames Scotland's problems on Ted Heath? Blaming everything on Smith is surely Zanu-PF's continuous back-up plan. 'Don't look at us - the old dead guy is still at fault'.

                                  The entrance to Ian Smith's old farm. Now not a farm at all.

Then it is onto National Heroes Acre. As far as dictators go, Mugabe has been remarkably uninterested in building marquees or statues to himself. His face is on a total of one billboard in Harare. And aside from a solitary road sign, you would be forgiven for not even noticing him. True, one of the highest buildings in the city is the Zanu-PF headquarters, but with that aside, the old man does not linger at every twist and turn. Unlike Mao there are no grand paintings of him meeting foreign dignitaries or smiling as his people take to the farms, apparently in awe of his ability (re: stash of guns) that 'encourage' such diligence. Instead there is just his framed picture, peering out from hotels and tourist hubs ("it has to be there" someone tells me, with a frustrated groan), and also this ridiculous monument, constructed by Zimbabweans with the assistance of North Koreans, which looks straight out of Pyongyang. One of the 'oppressing' white people on the monument even has an Asian appearance. It is a mess. A ridiculous sign which indicates that, even upon taking office, Mugabe was fast losing his marbles. Standing in its gloriously daft shadow, all you can do is laugh. What can be said, after all, about someone who bemoans colonial influence but holds tight to that not-at-all-European Marxist ideology? Or who builds an expensive nod to the many Africans who perished to gain independence from Ian Smith but turns it into a symbol of Jouche ideology which, in itself, would never ever ever let a single black person reproduce with a local? Shit, North Korea is even more racially homogeneous than its neighbour to the South, which is no mean feat.

                         'White Rhodesians' beating up the locals. As imagined by North Korea.

Inside the small museum, there is some Zanu-PF propaganda about Smith. This time it is his government's use of chemical agents. No one doubts that the Rhodesian Bush War was horrible. An ugly, ugly, ugly conflict fought by a white supremacist government hell-bent at resisting black majority rule. Still, there is no chance Mugabe, who appears chiselled into the wall at Heroes Acre, is going to fess-up to any of the atrocities his Zanu-PF party was, and continues to be, responsible for - including the targeted deaths of civilians. The fact that Smith was so bad is what made Mugabe, at least initially, seem so good. The sad irony now is spelled out when I grab a taxi and my driver wants to know where I am from...

"Scotland" I say - albeit quickly clearing up I no longer live there. "Ah, Scotland... Livingstone... first white man in these parts..." It is not uncommon. In (former protectorate) Botawana and Zambia the drivers are quick to tell you that Britain was once here. One gentleman rattles off all the British Prime Ministers to me. He wants to know my opinions. "Horrible" I reply to everyone that comes after Harold Wilson. Everyone is shocked if you know about British colonialism. I am told that few of the tourists are even aware.

                             Atop Heroes Acre is the flagpole where the Union Jack was taken down in 1980

I ask the driver about Ian Smith. Why is he still such a live topic here? In the newspapers? Among the Zanu-PF rulers? "Ah... Ian Smith. Well here is the thing... Ian Smith was not so bad," he says. "Really?" I ask. "Well, he was a racist and everything, but... you know... things are worse now. At least the British built our roads and our infrastructure."

Shit man.

That's the state of affairs right now. And as you leave the beauty of Zimbabwe it is all you can think about. Could history have been different and can the future recover from the past 36 years? A white racist dictator in Ian Smith leading to a promising, but ultimately just as bad - and now worse - dictator in Mugabe.

One thing is for sure, the chap - my old friend - who believed British was all about ageing celebrities, would probably still be in shock to find out that the UK once had this place, all within living memory. It really is not long ago. And as long as that ignorance is true of most Brits, Mugabe and his successors can continue to draw upon the fact that their one-time oppressors - who just voted for Brexit no less to 'take our country back' - are just as ignorant about themselves, and their identity ("you keep your Great Britain and I will keep my Zimbabwe" he once intoned) as he is about running an economy or respecting basic human rights.

In the meantime, Zimbabwe continues to be a place that will inspire and enlighten. Beautiful people, a beautiful country, but a tragic situation.

                                          Uncle Bob: the only monument you'll find